Disagreeing without Falling Apart

By Jeff Curtis

Matters of Opinion?

In the church. People within the church have always had disagreements ad they always will. Some disagreements are doctrinal in nature. Regarding such disagreements, Jude wrote, “Contend earnestly for the faith which was once for handed down to the saints” (Jude v.3). But, a high percentage of disturbances in congregations are over matters of opinion. In Romans 14, Paul told how Christians should behave when they disagree over issues that are not matters of faith. As brothers and sisters in Christ, we can learn to disagree without causing the church to fall apart.

In society. Paul’s concern was with disharmony in the church, but the thoughts outlined can help people in any situation where don’t get along. The principles of accepting others, building others up, and pleasing others, (instead of pleasing self) will benefit any marriage and family. These concepts could relieve tension in business and communities, and even in the political field. Jim McGuiggan argued that the “hardnosed insistence on getting our way …leads to parental / child problems; husband / wife problems resulting in divorce; [and] national and international problems issuing in riots and wars.”

Matters of Faith?

Before Romans 14 can be strictly applied to a disagreement, it must be established that the issue is a matter of opinion. But so, we can legitimately pull some general principles from the passage that will help anytime we disagree with a brother – even if doctrinal issues are being discussed. Here are a few examples that I thought of and you may think of others;

1. Be convinced and consistent. We must personally be convinced (Rom.14:5); and we must strive to be consistent in our beliefs, teachings and actions (14:23).
2. Be compassionate and considerate. If someone disagrees with our conclusions, let’s determine to walk in love regarding them (14:15a). Instead of being judgmental (14:10a), we will interpret all that they say and do in the best way.

We will enter into any discussion believing that the other person is as honest as we are and that they, too, are trying to live for the Lord (14:8). Let’s do our best to understand the other point of view and be willing to acknowledge any strengths in that position.

3. Be caring and concerned. In all that we do, we have to try to never hurt or discourage a brother or sister (14:20-21). Above all, let’s not be responsible for promoting division in a congregation or causing the Lord’s church to “be spoken of as evil” (14:16). With the Lord’s help, let’s always “pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another” (14:19).

Finally, in Romans 12:18, Paul said, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” Is spite or our best efforts, sometimes it seems impossible to be at peace with a brother. Sometimes, it may even be necessary to “turn away from” those who cause dissensions and hindrances contrary to the teaching” (16:17). If, however, we apply the general principles of Romans 14 when we disagree with a brother, such occasions will be few and far between. One author wrote, “One thing seems certain [from our study of Romans14]; we ought to be very reluctant to draw lines of fellowship between ourselves and our brother. We ought to be naturally and lovingly inclined to accept even brethren who disagree with us. If we are finally forced to conclude that we can no longer accept a brother because of the nature of the error which he has embraced, it should be only with the greatest reluctance, with sadness and tears.”

“Help! I’m Struggling as a Parent!”

By Jeff Curtis

A distressed mother kept repeating the saying, “First you have them on your hands, then you have them on your heart.” The improper conduct of her grown, wayward children had added a burden to her already heavy heart.

Countless parents share her feelings. With all their other struggles, they are also carrying a burden of guilt concerning their children. Many parents believe themselves to be failures.

Quite likely, some of these feelings are valid; no parents are perfect. Failings in parenting skills can be caused by stubbornness, ignorance or selfishness.

An even sadder situation exists when children have moved away from the parents’ sphere of influence. The parents may have a strong desire to turn their children to the Lord but see little they can do to change their situations.

How does a struggling parent cope? Is it possible to learn to live with seeming failure? Is it possible to overcome past problems? God may have had struggling parents in mind when He led the inspired writer to record the story of Eli.

Eli was a father who failed. By today’s standards, Eli was highly successful in his profession. He was God’s judge and high priest, highly respected by the people. The biblical account shows Eli achieved a lot, but it also shows that he failed as a father. His mistakes and their causes are a profitable study for modern parents.

A man of ability and character, Eli was the first high priest to come from the lineage of Ithamar, the fourth son of Aaron. Before him, all the priests had come from the line of Eleazar, Aaron’s third son. The selection of Eli from Aaron’s family shows his ability to lead God’s people.

As a man of devoted to God and His service, Eli showed great concern for the tabernacle and its use in service to God. His priorities are seen by his sleeping in the house of God (1Samuel 3:3-5).

Eli’s devotion is also evident in his last action on earth. He was greatly saddened when he heard the distressing news about the war with the Philistines and the deaths of his two sons. However, when a messenger mentioned that the ark of God had been captured, “Eli fell off the seat backward beside the gate, and his neck was broken and he died…” (1Samuel 4:18).

Being religious doesn’t guarantee that we will be successful as parents. No one could have exceeded Eli in his outward devotion to God. This wasn’t enough, because it is possible to be religious without being righteous. We would hope that Eli’s devotion to the tabernacle and the ark of the covenant were more than just outward expressions of his devotion to God, but this may not have been the case.

Even casual observer can find religious parents who have failed for the same reasons Eli did. Eli didn’t base his family life on his relationship with God. No one can successfully substitute a few hours of worship a week for a week of righteous living.

Too often this lack of righteousness is rationalized. Some will say, “I’m not spending much time with my family, but I’m still going to church.” Eli could have said, “I’m not doing too well with my sons, but I’m busy at the tabernacle.” One’s religion cannot be valid if it neglects any of life’s great responsibilities, including parenting.

“Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world” (James 1:27).